Here we are at week 23 and I used to feel like I came so far since the beginnig. But this week and the last few weeks I feel like it’s a struggle. I feel like I’m backsliding. So much is going on right now. My head is very busy. I know that I’m letting the Old Blueprint have too much say, too much influence. It’s been a struggle to concentrate on the new when the Old is screaming so loudly. I try to quiet it but it keeps rearing its ugly head. Things continue going on around me that I have to control over, yet the old me still wants to try to grab control. I know I can’t get control, yet that doesn’t seem to stop me from trying.
I can see myself at the fork in the road…
Option one: take the journey to the new
Option two: continue on the same path. The same path, worn, yet familiar. I know what to expect. I’ve done it before. I can do it some more.
Who am I kidding? It’s a path I really can’t bear to continue on. I just can’t. Yet there is a bit of me that is paralyzed…not exactly with fear but with…I don’t know. I just don’t know! I feel the hesitation, though. I don’t want to hesitate. Yet my subby is telling me to wait here for a bit. I’m not sure if I have more things to work through that I will need to make the Hero’s Journey or if I’m putting it off. I know that I’m going to do it. I want to go through it. And I will. I know it’s going to be hard. But I also know that it is going to be soooooo worth it. I know I deserve what’s on the other side. I deserve to be the real me. The me that I’ve always intended to be. To do that I am going to have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable for a time. What I’m doing now isn’t exactly comfortable. It’s just a bit more familiar than the unknown. And frankly, it feels AWFUL! I don’t want to feel AWFUL! I don’t want to be weighed down with negative feelings.
On a conscious level, I know so much. Intellectually, I know what I deserve. I know who I am but subby hasn’t seemed to get the message yet. Or if it does it has ADHD or something. It’s letting old programming take charge. And at the most inoppertune times. Like REALLY! What are you thinking SUBBY? You need a dope slap! You need an attitude adjustment. You need to cut this OUT, NOW! Do you hear me? Excuse me?! I said Do you hear me? You will listen to me. You will focus, you will concentrate and you will build the life that you want. It will be your most important task! , (aside from breathing and autonomic bodily functions necessary to sustain me of course…please don’t forget those)! But we owe this to me! To WE! We owe it to the world, me playing small is not serving anyone.
We have some serious work still yet to accomplish. We have a lot to do! But we can, should and will do this. What was it we were reading this month in our scroll? Oh, right…
“I will be master of my emotions” -Og Mandino The Greatest Salesman in the World
I have been reading this and reading this and rereading this and I’ve known that I need to internalize it, yet again, I have been toying with paralysis on this one. I kind of liked being a slave to my emotions. It’s like they say: watching a trainwreck. You just can’t seem to stop watching. I’ve been a mini trainwreck, well maybe a medium trainwreck for a little while. And I’ve just been watching myself do it. But I tell you now. I share with you…I will be master of my emotions. It won’t happen overnight. But I promise you I will spend more of my day mastering my emotions from this moment on. No longer will I be a slave to circumstance. You hear me subby? You listen to me for a while! And when you finally understand and commit this to our new way of life then I ‘ll let you work on your own again in this regard. But only after you learn the new way of life.
We, you and I subby, have a Journey to continue on so let’s pay attention, concentrate and get to it!
And the journey continues…